[Still more thoughts on] Peace is every step

I have been reading Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh in small sips, savoring them like a glass of fine wine. And interestingly, that's how I imagine he would like his short thought pieces to be read. Read, think, digest, apply.

He has a small chapter called Hugging Meditation. I will reproduce the first couple of paragraphs as they convey the essential message quite clearly, simply and with an economy of words (as usual):

Hugging is a beautiful Western custom, and we from the East would like to contribute the practice of conscious breathing to it. When you hold a child in your arms, or hugy your mother, or your husband, or your friend, if you breathe in and out three times, your happiness will be multiplied at least tenfold.

If you are distracted, thinking about other things, your hug will be distracted also, not very deep, and you may not enjoy hugging very much. So when you hug your child, your friend, your spouse, I recommend that you first breathe in and out consciously and return to the present moment. Then, while you hold him or her in your arms, breathe three times consciously, and you will enjoy your hugging more than ever before.

Quite simple isn't it?! As in much Eastern spirituality, the importance is "being there", focused on what you are doing. As a Japanese friend once said to me "you have to decide: either you are talking to me or you are making me tea." At the time I did not understand why talking while making tea could be seen as insulting...

Growing up in the States, I always took hugging for granted. While bear hugs are common, and true hugs happen often, hugging in America can also be a superficial affair with minimal contact, or little back taps that hide the discomfort of physical proximity. Thich Nhat's hugging meditation can make those more real. Not that all hugs need to be real, but the ones he mentions - those among parents and children, friends, family, spouses - could probably benefit from this 'focused hugging' approach.

Even though my parents were not American-born they were quick to pick up the custom. I was hugged as a child and so I feel comfortable hugging. But many countries are not hugging countries. France is one of them. People kiss to say hello, even guys, but we don't hug here. There is actually no real word for hugging. The word for embracing, which would be the literal translation, is used for kissing. To differentiate I use the word 'hug' in French, which does not exist and has the double inconvenience of the h which the French do not like to pronounce on its own. Linguistic differences aside, it is interesting to see the cultural differences too.

In France, at least based on my experience, it is not common for parents to hug their children and thus grownups are probably less comfortable hugging too. Despite being very tactile, holding hangs, putting arms around each other's waists or shoulders, public displays of affection, couples do not really hug very often or at all. A hug is usually the prelude to a kiss, not an end in and of its own. I remember one ex-girlfriend who admitted to me that she had never hugged her mother, ever. I tried to coax her to hug but she did not feel comfortable initiating contact. We figured out a way around the problem by me 'sending hugs' to her mother which she would deliver. But even then, she admitted that it was not natural. The things we take for granted!

In any case, truly hugging someone, focusing on the hug, can be an incredible experience. Thich Nhat Hanh tells us that these "hugging meditations" have the power to make serious breakthroughs in relationships in general and especially among couples... and like smiling, it's free!

Happy hugging