To make a short story longer, I was working on a paper recently for my doctorate and as usual this inspired me to do things I don't usually do. So I had Larry King of CNN on in the background and someone on the show mentions the book in question. About an hour later, as part of my usual procrastination routine that kicks in when faced with a paper, I decided that I really should rearrange that top shelf in my bookcase and dust off those poor books I rarely visit. I have reserved the top shelf for textbooks because I so rarely use them and I don't have the heart to throw/give them away (since they cost a fortune and maybe one imaginary day I will need them and regret their absence...). Anyway, I climb onto a chair, climb up to the shelf in question, which I must admit really did need dusting, and start to organize the books. As I take one of the fatter books out to dust I discover a book behind the books. Well, you have probably guessed by now, it was the Five Languages of Love. How it climbed onto the top of my bookshelf, into the reference book section, how it managed to sneak behind the biggest book on the shelf, and why it decided to bite my hand on that day I do not know. Synchronicity? I don't know, but, call me crazy, I decided to take this as a sign from the Universe that I was supposed to read this book...
So I read the book I did and I must say that I was not overwhelmed by the writing. It is not extremely well-written, or rather it is written simply with a rather not-too-subtle Christian prudishness. This is natural since Dr. Chapman is not just a marriage counselorbut also a pastor at a Baptist church. However, some books say nearly all they need to say in the title, and this one gets pretty close.
The basic tenet of this book, which is a follow up on a similar book for couples that sold 4 million copies, is that there are (you will never guess) Five Languages of Love which are:
- Words of affirmation
- Gifts
- Acts of service
- Quality time
- Physical touch
And to complicate things further, beyond the primary language which changes, each of us has our own mix of a primary love language and dialects that vary in order of importance.
The author's insight is thus that good communication, loving communication - not just in couples but also with family and friends - means being aware of both your own primary love language/s and those of others.
After having thought about the author's list for a bit, searching for a common denominator, I reworked the list with my own terms. Here goes:
- verbal giving
- material giving
- acts of giving
- time giving
- physical giving
The wonderful insight here is that once this is known and understood, it makes expressing love in the other person's terms that much easier. Plus, it is a clear reminder that love requires expression, to a stronger or a lesser degree, on all five fronts.
It also explains a lot of frustration among couples. Imagine someone who is a quality time person with someone who is a gift giver. The first does not appreciate fully any gifts that are given without time spent together, and the second will not fully appreciate time spent together without a token of affection in the form of a gift. Anyway, it is not too difficult to imagine all the crazy combinations of couples who do not have the same primary love language and the feelings of frustration and lack of fulfillment this can engender.
The tragic side of it though is that we can easily feel unloved vis a vis a person who thinks that they are screaming out their love and expressing it daily. Imagine all the people...
The book itself is rather simple, with some cute stories and basic exercises along the traditions of the modern self-help book, but the core tenets alone and the awareneess that it creates to self and to others makes it worth the price and the time and climbing up to your highest dusty bookshelf to find it and read it...
It's interesting that you talk about love language and different forms of giving because it's what's on my mind recently. Love language is universal and I would take it step farther and talk about giving not only to people you know and share some interest with and you expect something in return but about higher form of giving, unconditional and universal giving. Giving to me is a very interesting phenomena; I am wondering about people's ability to give and why some people are more giving then others. I think that it's closely correlated with the level of... openness of the heart. I see around many people who are not happy with themselves and who for all kinds of reasons are emotionally frozen... they are very self-centered and spend big chunk of their energy to protect themselves and build all kinds of walls and defense mechanisms, to actually not feel. And I understand that these people simply don't have any energy left to give and they don't even notice the opportunities to give. But the ironic cure for this is actually to give and to open up and focus on somebody else then yourself, to get out of your shell, safety zone and to stop feel sorry for yourself and shift your energy from yourself to another human being or animal or cause to help less fortunate that you could make a difference if you would only open up and notice the opportunity. Gestures of giving don't have to be big, they could be as small as smiling to a stranger, saying hello to your neighbor, waiving back to a child, or having a small conversation with somebody who seems lonely. To give unconditionally (or even for the satisfaction that helps you to love yourself) It's amazing feeling; there is this satisfaction and fulfillment that makes you feel human and emotionally alive and connected to the rest of people,and the universe. After all we are one big family, all wanting the same, so if only we people would first love and accept ourselves and open our hearts and look at each other like we are family , or first through giving open the hearts (I don't care which way around). the world would be a better place! I do believe change in human awareness is possible but it all has to start within us, with a simple, loving gestures of giving.
ReplyDelete"Service to others is the rent we owe to pay for living on the planet !"
Agata
Interesting comments and thoughts... I tend to believe too that knowing how to give, knowing how to receive, and generosity in general are like litmus tests of goodness and never thought about them as reflections of openness of the soul. I will have to think about that one. I am sure you are spot on, I just haven't thought of it that way before. I would add too, knowing how to say thank you is another aspect of giving... I would also say that whoever has gratitude in the soul, has the generosity you are talking about. Beyond generosity, it seems to me that gratitude is the key to wisdom of the mind and the heart and so much more...
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your thoughts!